Vibrant Women

Today, someone dear to me sent me ‘The Invitation’ http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com. I had been familiar with its text, yet its power continues to pull me in. “It’s what I seek”, this person wrote me. And my answer is ‘it’s not what you seek, it’s what you be’. This beautiful poem is about authenticity, integrity; it’s about being real. Many books have been written about it, as I’m sure many more will be written in the future. Why are we not getting it?

There are many reasons, I think. One is that there are so many ways (philosophies, religions) to get to being that it becomes overwhelming. Ultimately, my position is that we each have our own way. OSHO talked about the Taoist way of life as there being no specific Way. (read ‘TAO, its history and teachings’ by OSHO). We each have our own life. We can’t follow anybody else’s path, not even Buddha’s or Jesus’, because we are not them. We are our own person and we each have to find our own way to live our ‘greatest life’.

For me, this realization often stops me in my tracks. My coaching background was all focused on assisting people with following their path. And although I may have my own process that seems to work (mostly!) for me, I can’t tell people ‘this is how you should do it’, because they’re not me and their process can be very different (oh boy, can it!). Instead, my philosophy is to say or show as an example: ‘this is what has worked for me. Take it or leave it, it’s up to you’. Sometimes this can be very difficult and painful, to watch others struggle along. And yet, I know it’s theirs to struggle, and I remind myself of how irritated and resistant I can be when others try to tell me what or how to do things! But, show me and I may pay attention and maybe, just maybe, it might work for me.

A second reason of why it is difficult for us to be consistent in our authenticity, is that it takes courage to be real. As Oriah writes in her poem, she wants to know if you, the reader, could disappoint someone else to be true to yourself… We learn from our earliest childhood not to hurt others. This is especially true for women. Boys learn not to hit girls, but in certain societies it is perfectly okay for a boy to pummel another boy. I’m not a boy, so I can’t speak much to their experience; instead I’ll focus on the female experience! As a girl you learn not to physically hurt someone else and growing up, we are taught to become more aware of the effect our actions have on the feelings of others.

I remember some of those silly quizzes you find in magazines, that ask simple multiple choice questions to see if you are a good friend or not. (‘Ask your friend’, would give you the most direct answer!). ‘What would you tell your friend if she wore something that really didn’t look good on her?’ Telling her that something looked ‘okay’ would be one of those little white lies we tell everyday (there’s a subject for another article).

The question becomes much more loaded when the effects become bigger. What do you say when your partner asks you if you are happy? Now, there’s one that can rock the boat…And yet, is there any time in your life when you feel more alive than those times when you are discovering something truly new? Yes, in this specific instance it can mean the beginning of some serious conversations with your sweetheart. This same aliveness also opens up when you are physically traveling to a place you have never been before… Having the courage to see each moment of your day (or each person, for that matter) as new and different, even if it looks the same at first glance, that is being alive, being real.

Other reasons that could prevent us from staying real, are the ‘unwritten rules’ in our society. Oriah asks if you would ‘dare risking looking like a fool’ to live your dream and if you can ‘live with failure’ if it doesn’t work out as you hoped for or expected… Not to mention the add-on ‘fear of success’, which can stop us just as much. What if you went for it and oh, my Gosh, you’re awesome… then there would be the expectation to continue that success…

To realize that there is a natural cycle to things we only have to look at nature. In the spring, things grow. In summer, they bloom and bear fruit. In fall, all plants and trees start to pull their energy back, and in winter, nature rests. Simple (-ish). And the next spring it starts all over again. Some years, certain plants don’t bloom. Do you think nature pulls back and starts worrying, pulling out the plants ‘because they ain’t no good’? No, of course not! Either the plant is just retrieving and rebuilding its nutrients, so it will be able to bloom the next year, or the plant will decay and give its energy to the soil to nourish other plants…

But somehow, somewhere, in our culture we decided that if you are going to do something, it a) better makes sense and you better have good reasons to defend your choices, and b) you better succeed at it, because otherwise ‘I told you so’! To make this even more confusing, you’d better be really good at it, but don’t be the best, because you’ll make others look bad with your success!

How silly is that! And how confusing do we make it for ourselves, let alone our children? Recently, I read an article about Generation X (I am an early X-er), (‘Vexed’ in January ’07’s issue of More Magazine). It makes me sad, how we are creating a society in which a whole generation has so much potential and opportunity, yet we’re not often living it…

We live in a time where our values are changing, however so slowly, from achievement to authenticity. There are many people searching for meaning, a purpose to their lives. Many people change careers, often choosing something that may not pay as much, but which offers them more personal fulfillment. Yet, we are still asking the other what they do for a living, or where they live, as an identifier, instead of accepting another as how they show up.

And so this is the conclusion of this whole monologue: we all know who we are, however deeply hidden this may be. In order for us to allow ourselves to truly be, we will need to have the courage to listen to ourselves and then act on it. Only then will we truly experience ourselves and the depth of our life.